Growgetter Ebook Challenge

Last Monday, I was given a challenge.  I was to write an ebook, going from writing to promoting, in just 5 days.  I did it!  But boy was it a challenge!!!!!

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Are you Rising Strong?

‪#‎risingstrong‬ What I love about Sunday is it's a time for me to renew. I've been reading Brené Brown's new book, Rising Strong. It talks about the difficult Act 2 of your story. It's the no-fun part where you're too far down the road to turn around and go back yet you can't see anything familiar. You're in the dark and you hate it. 

Marci Shimoff might argue that in the life trilogy of going from Intention to Attention to No Tension that it's the No Tension part of our journey from here to there. That's what Act 2 is all about. It's that part where you've gotten clear about your intention and have applied everything that you are and know into giving attention to it. Yet, there comes a point where there is nothing more you can do. Nothing you try works. Doors you knock on don't open. Folks who said they'd help are nowhere to be found. It's that place where the hustle and bustle of doing goes away and you find yourself in an eerily quiet space. Marci says that's where you have to release it to the Universe to do the magic. 

What makes it the hardest part however is it's as if someone turned the lights out. Life has shut you down and no longer supports anything more. In the Grander Scheme, nothing else is required of you; yet you see nothing that even looks like God/Universe is on board. It's as if He's closed up shop and gone home too. Though, I'm not experiencing that now, Life experience has taught me to expect those Winter seasons where there is no more harvesting to be done. You just have to allow nature to sleep in a cold, hard cocoon until the kiss of Spring awakens it again. I haven't fared well emotionally during those times, if I were to be honest with you. God knows it and I know it. But I hear something Wise inside perking its ears to a rustle as the Bigness of God rides on the winds of awareness. 

He's showing me what's behind the curtain so that I can embrace the Act 2 of life, the No Tension of life, the Winter of life when it comes around again. What's behind the curtain? It's the struggle where the caterpillar instinctively fights. He doesn't know what he's struggling for. All he knows is that he must. It is not until he breaks himself open that he sees the Light that has been there all the time. And in that Light, he is a Higher Form of himself. Totally unrecognizable to those who were not privy to the cocoon experience; yet more powerful than He ever imagined. To me, that's what Rising Strong is all about.

It's Raining Men, Hallelujah!

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My Validation My Healing

Isn't it wonderful when you meet someone who gets you.  Where others minimized what you went through, this person bears witness that it mattered.  This is the real attraction.  We think that it's his biceps or her hips, but while certain things about the opposite sex ring my bell, it pales in comparison with a sustained respect for what matters to me.

Stories of love found and love lost are as unique as the two people in each love story.  

I remember listening as Valerie Simpson of the famous 1960's Motown duo Ashford & Simpson recalled what she described a very passionate relationship with her late husband.  When asked if they fought.  Valerie laughed while reminiscing.  They would call each other names, scream to the top of their lungs, and slam doors.  They caused such a raucous in fact, that their next door neighbors, The Cosby's, sent them a thank you for keeping them up all night long.  One would think that theirs was the most terrible marriage ever, but they were solid as a rock.  

I couldn't have been in a relationship like that.  It would have been the death of me.  That's why it is so important to know what helps you become your best self.  Each relationship helps us get more clear.  

Every wound needs a witness.  But should you marry the witness?  

My first two marriages were to a man who bore witness.  It was comforting at first.  When I revealed my pain, he understood.  He even shared his own.  It felt so good to finally be with a man who got me. It bonded me to him to the point that everything else was dismissed or rationalized away. They don't understand him like I do was my thinking.  

What I learned from that marriage was marriage can't survive on the witness alone.  While we are drawn to someone who validates what we've been through and holds our vulnerability sacred, we are doomed to relive that misery unless the other person involves him or herself self in the healing.  This is something I didn't understand.  His hands could only support my pain; they could not support my healing.

Pain reliever or healer, which are you?

Once my heart was broken, my esteem went with it.  All I could focus on was validation.  I needed someone or many someones to understand.  I was broken and I was hurting.  Validation offered me two Tylenol with a full glass of water.  While that helped for a moment, after a while, even pain relievers weren't enough.  Broken hearts are healed with pain relievers.  They require more. 

Pain reliever or healer?  This is the question.   I am not Ashford & Simpson.  Just the same, they found their healing in each other. And though they fought like cats and dogs, they were a safe place where intimacy found a resting place.  Part of determining the future of a relationship is to define this for yourself.  Life was trying to teach me that.   

I think that is what the discovery phase of a relationship is most about.  It gives us a chance to see if a person is a pain reliever or an agent of healing.  Little by little that fog of euphoria dissipates and you are able to see a little bit more and a little bit more.  

"Only your mother could have been married to your father." 

While our opposite sex parent is usually the template of our romantic relationships, the day I heard these words changed my life. Up until that point, I was drawn to and accepted the same familiar type.  My dad was not emotionally available and I kept trying to heal that pain by finding him in other men and righting that wrong.  It didn't work.  

It wasn't until I became emotionally available for myself and owned my feelings and needs wholeheartedly that I stopped the insanity.  Wrong relationships weeded themselves automatically. My now husband was different.  

Healers aren't forced.  They are revealed.  

In order for something to be revealed, it has to first exist.  The ability to heal is inherent in the body. Doctors in alternative or holistic medicine believe that.  Stands to reason this is true of emotional healing as well.  My husband has a wonderful capacity for healing like I've not seen in anyone else. His level of empathy is rare.

There was an ease about him from the start.  He wasn't easily agitated.  He was warm and helpful. Not only that.  We enjoyed hanging out with each other.  Still do.  But it wasn't until we were at do-or-die points in our relationship that his extraordinary empathy was magnified.  Even if we did not agree, when the smoke cleared and intense differences died down, steady as always was his willing spirit.  His love is truly healing and makes me better. 

He's Here

Ah, married life! The toilet seat left up. Shaved hairs in the sink. I, like any other woman, cringe when I see it. But what would it matter to have the toilet seat down if my husband weren't here with me?

When I got married, I was tempted to shift my focus from loving my husband to changing these behaviors. I was walking around the house and to be sure, there was some evidence of my husband in every single room in the house. A pair of shoes by the door, the wrinkled bed in the guest room, and yes the pots and pans he left soaking from last night's dinner in the sink. My initial thought was this house is a mess. Shoes go in the closet. Bed covers should be smoothed after you get up. Pots and pans need to be washed and put away. But then something higher said. "Suzette, he's just marking his territory." He laughed with a "that's right," when I pointed it out.

I remember a part in my dialogue with one of the speakers for my upcoming You Asked? Good Men Answered! telesummit. We were talking about how men feel when women say to them, "We need to talk." Then he clarified, "But, I'd rather have her talking than quiet." That was profound. He understood what we women know. When we get quiet, it ain't good. But what he was saying went deeper than that.

He went on to talk about how much he needs and treasures her voice: her talking, her singing, her way of being and what it does for him. It's her sound that he treasures. It's her sound that he needs. When we are able to get beyond what's upsetting our orderly world and cherish the sound that a person brings to our life, then we truly love that person.

I don't want my man to be quiet. Sure, I'd prefer that the toilet seat were lowered, shaved hairs were removed from the sink, pots and pans were washed, shoes were put in the closet and the bed were smoothed after he's laid on top of it. But if I had the choice between his compliance and his sound, I'd choose his sound. His sound is his presence. His sound is him. He is in every part of my house. It's his fragrance. Wherever I go, I carry his fragrance. When I come home, I need it. He's here. He's home!

I love him.

What Makes Love Endure?

I just finished searching for the full episode of The Talk where Jada Pinkett Smith was the guest. It was Monday, August 15th and I hated I didn’t see it. Couldn’t see it actually cause I had to go to work. Though I am a shameless romantic, I tend not to put too much stock in celebrity marriages. You don’t know how much is real. After all, they are actors, actresses, performers. If it were the cutesy Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt type of romance, I might be a bit disenchanted. But when I watch Will and Jada, I see something different.

I was reviewing many of the youtube videos of Jada and there was one of Will being interviewed. He was asked what is the essence of Jada. I could see in his eyes the wheels turning. I can imagine he was trying to peel back all his experiences with her to get to that one thing that sums up his wife. “Commitment,” he said. "You can hang your hopes, your dreams on her and she’ll never let you down."

As I sit here, watching the sun rise above the trees outside my window, I know that it isn’t the romance that draws me to this couple. No more than it’s the romance that draws me to President Obama and Michelle. It is the commitment. I...choose...us.  It's like they share a secret that we can only guess about.  There is a knowing of the specialness there.  It’s not just lustful, it’s like-ful. It’s sparkle in your eyes-ful. It’s the you are enough-ful. It’s that I’m still in awe of you-ful that you see in their eyes.
What makes love endure?
 
I have to admit I don't know.  I've had fantasies.  I've observed couples and admired certain things.  To be honest, though, I've never experienced a pure selfless love outside my relationship with God.  Even as I evaluate my own capacity for love, I've only loved one person selflessly - my son.  I've loved because of.  I've loved in hopes of.  I've loved based on.  I've dreamed of true love, the Knight in Shining Armour happily ever after, but was taught obligation, martyrdom and suffering .  So much suffering in the name of love.  So much tolerating and enabling your partner at the expense of love.  So much settling for less as if this is all you deserve of love.
 
Though millions of books have been written, movies have been produced, people have exchanged I do's, what makes love last is still a mystery.  You love the way a person looks.  You love how this person makes you feel.  As time moves on though, Love is challenged.  Most times, it's nothing new. It was there all along but now, it can't be ignored.  Perhaps the whisper has now become a shout.  And if you continue to ignore it, it will be a brick up side your head.  You know within yourself that something's got to change.
 
Is it just me or does it seem like men are the last to get it.  They will tell you it's gonna be alright.  They will ask you to just give it time.  It's as if they hear you, but they don't really hear you.  Maybe that's what the fairy tale is about.  The beautiful princess is crying, "Help!  Help!"  But only her true love can rescue her.  Maybe it's because he's the only man who could really hear her.  What about swimming the moat and slaying the dragon to rescue the beautiful princess?  What is that about?  Maybe a dad was telling his little girl a story about his love journey.  Maybe he used these images to explain what he had to overcome from within and without to love her mother, his wife.  A man's journey from selfishness to selflessness.  You may be laughing now but I believe that if a man deeply loves a woman, he measures her worth by how much he's sacrificed.  What was required of him to have her and what he's had to do to keep her.

The moat requires overcoming what separates.  If you can't swim then you build a bridge.  You overcome obstacles to love.  Dragons must be slayed or removed, whether fire-breathing or Pete's Dragon.  They are a threat.  You can't manage a pet dragon.  A pet dragon might be a close relationship with an ex.  It might be a job that requires too much travelling.  Regardless of how it manifests, it's harder to remove because it might be tied to your ego or a hidden insecurity.  Try as you might, you can't keep it and keep her.  I guarantee you if Disney's Pete met a girl, the dragon would have to go...lol.  Dragons take up so much space, require too much time and effort in our lives until there is no room for love.  These dragons might breath fire on the relationship; but more times than not, they just suck up all the air. 

President Obama, What Will Your Legacy Be?

Mr. President, I'll admit I didn't watch The State of the Union.  It wasn't the message but it was all the "stuff" in the background that made me not want to watch.  Surfing through my email messages, however, I saw this video on Youtube.com.  It was more my speed.  A conversation not a speech among the curious, honest, and insightful about legitimate concerns, without all the judgments and biases that have become the "stuff" associated with politics.

Of all the questions and answers, the most powerful one was what will your legacy be?  As you pondered what you wanted to accomplish, you said that you'd probably not know that until the end of your term.  I, a citizen that you may never ever know or meet, wish to share what your legacy will be--at least for me.  

You have changed the face of politics.  That's a fact!  Not just the color of your skin though some have argued that you are too Black while others have deemed you not Black enough.  You have blended renaissance and futurism like no President before you.  You speak the language of both the old, while prophesying about the new:  a past, present and future that no government has ever experienced.  You are the first president of color to lead the free world!  That has brought with it a unique experience unlike those before you.

Parties have fought to keep their traditions and their power despite the shift in the minds of Americans that led to your election.  An America where no one race, no one creed, no one color can dominate at the expense of others.  Regardless to whether we elect a Democrat or Republican or Tea Party candidate or Independent in the future, a habit has been broken.  A line has been drawn in the sand.  It's a new America.  An America that requires that we come back to what politics is really about.  This, you defined so simply yet brilliantly as people coming together to decide how they are going to live together.  How simple is that!  You pointed out that we make political decisions every day.  Going to a movie with a group of our peers was an example of that.  No one person or interest decides. It takes consideration and compromise.  All have to feel their voices are heard though all concede to the majority vote.  If they don't, you may have won the movie, but lost the comradery in the process.

Like you, I see a new politics emerging.  One where our children have decided they don't want to be like us.  They don't want to be ruled by judgments that segregate.  They are coming out as they are, choosing rather to be honest than to be a hypocrite.  They have a new experience of life and cannot act as if they haven't.  They, reminiscent of their Creator, see hypocrisy and call it what it is despite people in authority who would beg to differ or to reframe or to ignore their truth.

Yours Mr. President will be a legacy that spearheaded a revolution.  One that is not fooled by the North winning the civil war or any Emancipation Proclamations or Fifth Amendments.  One that is not fooled by Martin Luther King Day being a federal holiday as proof that we have overcome and that all men are regarded as equals.  It is one prompted by the resurgence of hate that is so vile that people all over the spectrum of our nation and other nations shudder at it.  It is proof that what you ignore grows.  It is so grotesque that it requires that we do something about it.

No longer can we afford to mask it with references to skin color when the real culprit is--institutionalized fear.  Despite our criticism of the other, all of us share responsibility in the preponderance of fear ravaging our world.  Fear is what is killing the innocent.  Fearing what we should regard as valuable.  It's a revolution where Black Lives Matter.  It's a revolution where Police Lives Matter.  It's a revolution where All Lives Matter!

We point to our country being founded on Christian principles when nothing is further from the truth. If we look in the back yard of our founding fathers, there is nothing Christian about it.  It's just as messy as anyone else's.  Our history is messy, Mr. President.  It was founded on one group taking advantage of another.  We have perpetually taken what doesn't belong to us and tell ourselves that the end justifies the means.  We quote scriptures to justify it.  We quote the Constitution to justify it. We quote our favored religious books and practices to justify it.  Still, none of it covers our shame. We try to make intelligent argument and try to act as if we are coming from either a higher consciousness or keeping it real.  It doesn't change it.  Fear is fear.  From the pulpit to the Pentagon, fear is fear.  From our poverty-ridden history to our moving-on-up to new neighborhoods, fear is fear.

Mr. President, some say the opposite of fear is love.  Maybe that's true.  I would argue the opposite of fear is choice.  When we understand our power to choose, we no longer blame anyone for our status in life.  Nelson Mandela is proof of this.  Oppressors thought that throwing him and others into prison would convolute their message of freedom.  Though he endured atrocities to his person on a daily basis, he experienced an awakening to just how powerful he was.  For when offered the chance to leave, he made a choice not to leave without his brothers.  Today, we can all make a different choice. We can be better than hate.  We can be better than oppression.  We can choose to allow our circumstances to determine our depth, our breadth, our height or we can marry our bigger truth with our choice and, like the caterpillar, come out transformed and liberated.

I myself know the power of choice, Mr. President.  After 33 years of socialized and internalized criticism of myself and others, I came across a book laying on my sister's bed.  Captivated by its title, I rushed to pick it up and thumbed excitedly through the pages.  One word ignited my revolution. That word was choice.  Matter of fact, the title of the book was Love Is A Choice.  Likewise, the word that ignited this country's revolution came from God's heart through your lips.  That word was change.  And though the fury of the battle has escalated and many lives have been lost, it is still the word that the Universe is conspiring to bring about.  Our world will never be the same.  And years from now, when the smoke has cleared, our children and children's children will thank you for it.